Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
