Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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