forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
