i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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