In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This baby is an asshole
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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