i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
