i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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