So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
