Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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