Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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