Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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