A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
