When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize