Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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