I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
