he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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