Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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