where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
