I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
