i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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