WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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