i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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