You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
