im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
