What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
the gays at disneyland are vicious
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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