8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, beer. Big fan.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize