Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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