I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My bed smells like the plague
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
