I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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