he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
