1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
