my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
