just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
