We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
