I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
