I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
