dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
