Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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