Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
