i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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