there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My penis needs a shock collar
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
