I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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