i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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