I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
