the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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