shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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