Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
