Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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