Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
