Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
