Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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