it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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