hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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