If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
