I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
