i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
