I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
