whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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