Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
