I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
